Beware the Man who says, "I Don't Want Drama"

 😢 😢 😢

ARTICLE #1: 

https://bryanreeves.com/dont-want-drama-beware-man-says/ 

"I Don’t Want Drama" (Beware Of The Man Who Says This)

December 29, 2017

Have you encountered the man (or been that man) who emphatically claims, “I don’t want drama!”?

Swipe right … or left … I don’t know … whichever way you swipe to pass on someone you don’t want to date, because pass on this man you must.

“I don’t want drama” is what the perpetually confused and frustrated man puts on his dating profile – or repeats in conversation and often with a fair amount of drama in his voice – who is nonetheless irresistibly drawn to women with whom he will co-create “drama” until he is one day finally willing to learn how to EMBRACE the fullness of a woman, or the fullness of life itself!

Because when a man says “I don’t want drama,” he is essentially saying, “I am terrified of feeling out of control, and I cannot be with anyone who feels feelings or acts in ways that are beyond my current capacity to feel or simply outside my tiny stress-free comfort zone.”

Which means he will inevitably reject any woman who feels more than he does or who acts in ways that aren’t easy for him to be with, which is pretty much every woman, and certainly the women he will be drawn to.

That’s the nature of life itself!

For every man, in his deepest heart, ACHES to be held accountable to showing up fully in his life, and fully for love. So actually, a man requires an intimate partner who challenges and inspires him to grow everyday more into his masterful self.

And yes, every man yearns for an intimate partner who loves him profoundly despite his imperfections, one who can consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.

But no man genuinely wants an intimate partner who will just let him get away with living and loving small, with playing safe where nothing is at stake.

Which is why a man will often stop choosing a woman who stops challenging him by not being true to herself.

In other words, no man truly wants to live anything less than his full potential as a deep-souled human being who is every day committed to giving his greatest gifts to the planet, to his community, to his family, and to his intimate partner.

Whether or not he is conscious of it, a man needs a partner who will challenge him, because challenge is the only thing that inspires a strong, masculine-identified man to rise into becoming his best self every day.

I’m not saying every man responds so well to a challenging partner. Of course not! Many men clearly don’t.

Many men choose a perfectly challenging partner and then soon lament their choice. He’ll even blame her for making his life more difficult, all the while ignorant of or just in outright denial of the fact that he is choosing this experience!

But only because no one teaches us men why we would actually choose – can ONLY choose – a woman who challenges us.

And I want to clarify, there are countless unskillful ways that women challenge adult men that will only cause even the most self-aware of us men to drive that “no drama” stake deeper into the ground!

So I encourage anyone who wishes to partner with a strong man to learn skillful ways of offering him the more wild and unruly passions of your authentic heart … in other words, you can learn how to challenge him with love, with respect, rather than merely mirror his “no-drama” neediness with your “emotional-connection-at-any-cost” neediness.

Always remember this:

Until a man can just embrace that a partner who lovingly challenges him is what he REQUIRES to help him live into his mastery as a truly powerful, authentic, heart-centered man, he will continue his futile quest for that mythical woman who is BOTH mysterious and alluring enough that he wants to have sex with her AND who will somehow give him “no drama.”

ARTICLE #2: 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/20/opinion/sunday/tinder-bumble-okcupid-drama.html

Opinion

The Ridiculous Fantasy of a ‘No Drama’ Relationship

Online, that’s what men say they want from women. Do they know nothing about life?

By Laura Hilgers
Ms. Hilgers writes about addiction, love and other topics.

July 20, 2019

Credit: Hannah K. Lee

I was recently on the dating app Bumble when I came across the profile of an attractive middle-aged man, a few years younger than I am. He was born on the East Coast and had a big dog, which I liked. But then I read that he was “100 percent drama-free” and demanded that any dates be the same way. I thought, “Here’s somebody who probably won’t listen if I’m having a bad day” and swiped left to indicate my lack of interest.

This guy was far from unusual. A surprisingly large number of men say they’re looking for “no drama” or something “drama-free” in their profiles, and I swipe left every time. Women write it too. But according to Tinder, which looked at the profiles of its American users earlier this year, heterosexual men were three times more likely to use these phrases than heterosexual women. Profiles of gay and lesbian users included the phrases much less often.

Another dating app, OkCupid, examined the 2018 profiles of all its users in the United States without separating for sexual orientation and found that men over all were 10 percent more likely to say this than women. They also found that 47 percent of millennial men said they were looking for no drama or something drama-free in their profiles, as did 25 percent of Gen X and 12 percent of baby boomer men.

I understand that people want joy, laughter and happiness in their relationships. I want that too. But when heterosexual men say they’re looking for something “drama-free,” I suspect they want something that doesn’t exist: a problem-free partnership with someone who has no life experience. Are they looking for a woman who never gets angry or afraid or sad, who never worries about her family or struggles in her job? Who would want to be with such a person?

One man I came across online even wrote, “No drama given or allowed.” Aside from questionable grammar, this implies an ability to control life that none of us possess. Life is full of drama. I know. I’ve experienced it. Although I’m an even-keeled person and daily meditator, I’ve still had to face challenges over the last eight years that I never saw coming and required all my strength to endure.

After 23 years of marriage, I went through an unexpected and painful divorce. Several people I love deeply suffered from addiction and found their way to recovery (a sentence that doesn’t begin to capture nearly four years of hell). I had to sell our family home and move to a rental. Then I lost my beloved dog, Spike — which, weirdly, felt the worst, coming on top of everything else.

Life got messy. But I know many people, including men, who have suffered far worse. It’s hard to live for any time without facing something difficult, whether it’s financial problems, illness, divorce or death. Some people call this “drama.” I call it life.

Because I didn’t quite understand what men meant when they said they were looking for “no drama,” I spoke with Jessica Carbino, a sociologist in Los Angeles who specializes in online dating and who used to work for Bumble. She told me that when men in their 20s and 30s say they want something drama-free, they’re looking for women who are “lower maintenance.”

When middle-aged men use it, they’re trying to avoid the entanglements that come with former spouses and family. “They could have just gone through a terrible divorce,” Dr. Carbino told me. “They could have presumably been dealing with a lot of issues with their own families, with their children, with their ex-spouses, and they want something that doesn’t present any type of problem or issue.”

Vanessa Valenti, co-founder of the feminist website Feministing, had a different take. “I think it’s pretty sexist,” she told me. “You might as well say ‘no humans,’ you know? But sexist behavior exists offline, just like it does on dating apps. This is simply another medium.” She added, “I think there are unrealistic expectations put on women to be accommodating at all times in their relationships.”

Ms. Valenti said that when men say they want no drama, “they’re signaling to others that they’re someone who’s incapable of witnessing and honoring another person’s feelings.” She also expressed concern that the numbers are higher, at least on OkCupid, the younger the men get.

“It makes me wonder if it’s become more like online dating app lingo, which actually makes the ‘no drama’ potentially more dangerous because the more it’s used, the more it’s normalized as a common characteristic of a desirable partner and what a desirable partner should be,” she said. “Are we setting a precedent of the emotionless partner who has no needs? In my opinion, that would create a culture of pretty disastrous relationships.”

Wouldn’t it make more sense for men and women in the dating world to look inward and develop compassion for themselves, rather than try to control the drama outside them? “When you’ve suffered in these serious ways,” Dr. Mark Epstein, a New York City psychiatrist and Buddhist author, told me, “it lets you see the suffering everywhere, if you’re not pretending that it’s not happening to you.”

He said that the growth that results from looking honestly at your challenges and problems — in other words, from being vulnerable — also makes people better partners. “You might actually be more available, more open, more able to be with someone else as a result of this,” Dr. Epstein said.

I also wonder if people mean it when they say they’re looking for “no drama.” Imagine “Romeo and Juliet” without the feuding future in-laws and “Brokeback Mountain” without society’s resistance to two men in love. Or “Casablanca” without the return of Ilsa’s husband, not to mention the Nazis who frequented Rick’s bar. Sometimes, love grows sweeter in contrast to the hardships.

Perhaps we’re simply all on drama overload, and online profiles reflect what we’re experiencing in the world. We live on a planet whose climate is warming rapidly. We wait in fear of the next mass shooting. We have a president whose tweets elevate our heart rates daily. In a 2018 American Psychological Association survey, 69 percent of respondents reported that the future of the nation caused them stress — six percentage points higher than the year before.

This precariousness seems like all the more reason to find a partner who can face the challenges and roll with them. There are days when you accidentally sideswipe your neighbor’s car or you have to check someone you love into rehab. Other days are steeped in joy. The kind of partner I’d like shows up for it all.

Maybe

Maybe it's time for me to go...  

Because I have never ever grovelled down on anyone's feet like I just did earlier ago.  I begged you to be kind to me, but you never even felt the gravity and severity of my begging.  

You remained cold, hard, and distant, even wanting to shut me out, drop the call, and just leave me as is.

Why did I ever feel this much love for you, when all you do is feel the same way -- ONLY when times are good and easy between us?

When I come honest with something to say, or something that I feel, you will get mad and accuse me of reaching that point because I did not stop.

But often I would explain and want to explain to you the reason behind my feeling or thinking so.

But it all comes to you in a different light.  Your interpretation of whatever I say is not the way it should be.

I cried and never have I cried this hard to and for anyone else except you. Always, I do.

I begged you to be kind, and not treat me the way you do.

But all fell on deaf ears.  Still, I continue to allow myself to receive this harsh treatment from you. 

I wish I could say "No," to you, and to be able to turn my back on you the way you easily could on me...

I wish I could bravely walk away and leave you just like your ex-wives did.

But I have admitted loving you more than I love myself.  

And that is true.

I said I do not love you in half, and always love you whole, even when you are mad, angry, agitated, or yelling at me and shutting me out.

And I mentioned that my love for you is bigger than the love your first and second wives have for you combined.

That was the last you heard from me, and you still did not say anything in return.

I think I have allowed myself to be treated by you like filthy trash. 

So I guess that last admission will be all for now.  I have made myself the lowest creature ever on earth for you.

**********

I read your latest post, and it was posted some 3 hours ago from my 8 pm here.  

It was posted BEFORE that honest and candid remark from me commenting about this woman rider you have, whom you have kind of "defended" as someone who did not do me wrong. It has nothing to do about her as a person doing something bad or wrong to me...

It was just said as it was, and just as me, being honest, as I always do or say, and that I should be allowed to say anything and everything to you because you are my significant other. 

You got so mad again and upset, and didn't want me to go on.  

But if you will note, I did not go on about her, and merely explained why I should be able to talk to you about anything and everything under the sun.

Still, your mind just went all the way to the darkest alleys of yourself again and refused to listen, understand, and be calm about it.

You wanted to drop the call, and you said you regret "bringing" me to your work. I cried and said please do not shut me out after two years of doing that, and just be kind to me instead.  

I begged you.

Your latest post talked about me always being echoed in your heart.

Really, is that for real?  Is that being true? Is that being honest?

Because I DO NOT THINK SO.

You write beautifully when you are good with me.  

Sadly, when things go wrong, all that you have pronounced are thrown away.

And all the words vanish like ribbons of smoke in the wind.

Please DO NOT tell me that you love me and that you will always love me.  

Because you will NEVER be like that all the time. 

Maybe you will -- but in good times only.

Wrong Love

 

Love, as I was told, is found only...

In poetry as dreamy as the night,

In roses and candies,

In Valentine fantasies,

With eyes aglow like light...

It is found only in dances as long as forever,

In thoughts of lace and cream.

Romantic movies, verses and prose,

In smiles as sweet as dreams...

It simply cannot be, this love,

I am caught in, trapped in, wrapped in like a shell...

But was I not clever?

Wasn't I strong?

I found love right here with you,

And proved them all wrong...

Restless Night

There was nothing to do that night,

So I decided to sit and write,

About some story untold,

And what lessons it could unfold.

But somehow my pen stood still,

I could not think of anything until,

I nearly went out of my mind,

No words that were suited could I find.

What happened to me me that evening?

I couldn't even make a beginning,

I sat there for hours thinking about things I could write,

But even though I had an idea, it couldn't just come out right.

Suddenly a notion struck my mind,

Now I could see better, now my brain began to unwind,

I wrote briskly, thinking what a nice poem it'd be,

For anyone to read and see.

Now this writer has something to write about,

Now she can jump for joy and shout,

Do you know what it is all about?

It is not about the sunshine nor a pout.

But...

There was nothing to do that night,

So I decided to sit and write.

I Know my Place... Sadly

 

Yes, I know my place.

Sadly, that is...

Last night we were talking about if lovers can be best friends and vice versa.

You said yes to the former.

And likewise to the latter.

And I asked if that was what you tried to "pursue" of having with your first wife.  You said it is not pursuing that is, --- to which I corrected myself about because I just could not find the right word to call it, I said --- and then you replied that it was what you hoped for since you do not hold grudges or anger on people and that you just wish for peace (and all that is related to it, I said silently to myself).

You added that some celebrities end up being very good friends with their exes.  I said that that kind of arrangement does not sit well with me and that for me, if one cannot simply move on without an ex completely, then that relationship should not at all be completely severed, and those two people should just stay together as is.

You said that it is a matter of perspective.  Yes, I can agree with that, but my perspective is very much different from yours:  If you cannot let go completely and if you cannot move on AWAY from your two wives, then you should just cling back to them and do not bother on moving forward with me.

Our thoughts are different and so becoming best friends could be just a dream.

So I remembered one email I received from someone not too long ago, and decided to tell you about it --- that message clearly said, that if I was drowning in sea with your second wife, you will surely save her than save me.

You were quick in replying that, you do not know how to swim -- but I was also quick to talk while you did --- that you do not need to answer that question...  

And please DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION AT ALL.

Because from my perspective, you cannot even answer that question hands down. 

I know and can see that your second wife still holds (and will always hold) a special place in your heart and that she will always occupy and share that space with me, no matter how cramped I feel it is inside.  

Your heart will never be exclusively mine.

I will never be in that heart space of yours fully alone.  There are many of us, and two very major special women -- your two ex-wives -- will always be there to fill it all up.

And that is why I KNOW MY PLACE.

And my place is WAY BENEATH your second wife.  

And beneath your first wife too, of course.

And last night I continued to say that I know you will save her instead of me because I know how much you care about her, and how important she is to you.

You continued to talk, but I was completely drowning in my own sea of tears.

I do not any more wish for you to know how I truly feel, and I could not hear what else you were saying.

I could not quite understand your additional explanation, but to me, it still hurt me deep inside. 

My heart is simply torn again, and it has not even fully recovered from the past wounds I received from you and the circumstances surrounding our love story.

-

-

-

-

I KNOW MY PLACE.

SADLY, that is...

Brightening the World

The sun is vivid, there so high

up where the birds fly

free as the breeze, the sky

I can see as I lie

here on the grass so green

the blades with dew not seen

just like any love has been,

you can only feel what they mean

for a person it is granted to

by the one who feels that love is due

for sharing with a friend or two

to make the whole world vivid, too.

Sad Refrain

I look out and I see the rain,

As it falls on my window pane,

And the music that's in my heart,

Is a sad refrain...

Endless traffic of sounds and sights,

Midst the glitter of neon lights,

Still the music that's in my heart,

Is the same sad refrain...

Take a jet to a hide-away,

From the hum-drum of everyday,

Yet the music that's in my heart,

Is the same, sad refrain...

Mem'ries of you follow everywhere I go,

Down the high and bi-ways of my days,

Music of your laughter fills my every dream,

Like a love song from long ago...

Never ending streams of faces come and go,

Million diff'rent people all around,

No use searching for I'll never find you there,

For you are far beyond compare...

Being Unkind

It's ironic that you told your female rider about this male rider you had the other day about how he was unkind and spoke in an unkindly manner to his pregnant wife or girlfriend while inside your car.

Why do I find it ironic? Because you were so "proud" in telling this woman rider of yours that it was definitely not a nice way to treat a significant someone, or simply not a good way to be like that to another person.

And it DID NOT even occur to YOU that you are far worse in treating me or speaking to me than that man rider was to his woman. It was never an important thought to you that the way you treat me is so differently expressed and manifested than how you treat other people -- your riders, most especially, whom you treat with the sweetest, kindest, and gentlest respect, manner, and decorum, and they are in fact, a million times more fortunate than myself being treated by you in so many harsh angles.

As what this article says:

----------

What does unkindly mean?

Unkind treatment is made up of put downs, lack of excitement, undermining, or belittling. In covert ways you will see the abuser laughing things off, making you doubt yourself, confusing you, not giving you straight answers, turning things against you, then being overly nice, requiring behaviors that you can never get right, or giving to you that comes with increased requirements. The overt versions include outright anger, name calling,
criticism, ridicule, accusations, demands that cannot be met. The battlegrounds where these vicious psychological manipulations take place are in choice or decision making,
systematic set-ups (encouraging you, followed by criticizing or ridiculing you), poor sportsmanship, upmanship, showing off (lavish spending), followed by punishment and denial of your rightful challenge or criticism, threats or spoiling, giving then accusing you of selfishness. The list is seemingly endless. But the basic accusation in any unkindness is: You are wrong

(The Mend Project, 2018, "MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER DOES NOT TREAT ME KINDLY", 2018, Sept. 23, 2020)

----------

So should I allow myself to be treated as such continuously, or every now and then, when you feel like so?

Earlier, you said sorry to me, and added that you have a problem I should help you with. I asked what it was, and you said it was your temperament and that you are aware that you hurt the perople you love the most.

I replied that acknowledging your problem is at least half of it solved already. But really, saying that to you did not really make me feel that I am assured of that statement from myself.

I am still on the losing end.

Help Me

I am in deep pain

My heart aches

I don't know until when I can endure this

I need help from the universe

For it to embrace me 

And numb me from all the hurt

I cannot take it any longer

It is very painful

I am bleeding inside

No one knows

No one can see

No one can hear

Please help me

To have the courage 

To walk away from this relationship

He thinks he is all good

But he abuses me too with his verbal thorns

He will not admit it

But that is all I know

And feel

And take

Despite his attacks

I still love him

Because I am stupid

And because I choose to love

But need to be loved

Please help me

Please believe me

Please rescue me

Help me

Are We Worth One More Try?

Should we stay or should we say goodbye?

Walk away or give it one more try?

What a waste to let our dreams just fly

And as the days go by,

We'll always wonder why.

Are we glad to find one day we're free?

Is this what we really want to be?

Brand new lives, we need to have so much

It really is quite tough,

When love is not enough.

Tell me why did we find each other?

Only to part ways in the end?

Tell me how we learned to love each other?

And tell me why two people have to change?

Was it pride that made made us drift away?

Hurting words we should not even say,

Hold my hand and look straight in my eyes,

If we can't say goodbye,

Then we're worth one more try.

Two Years and A Month

I am happy that we just had our monthly anniversary yesterday -- Our USary, as you coined it. You wrote a good post in the poetry site that you belonged to, and just like always, I am elated by what I have seen and read.

Last night as we had our moment before sleeping on vid, I asked you something about how was it having an LDR in the past, when no emails or social media accounts were present...

You obliged by sharing a story about how you were with your very first LDR girl, which you had for seven years, and how that relationship broke your heart.

What you shared last night was not really "big" anymore to me, as I have heard most about those from you last time.  Still, I find it always a welcome "treat" for me to hear about them from you.

Your sharing led to the British girlfriend, whom you've had about five years after your very first heartbreak, and you said, that you always held on to your relationships, but this particular one, you had to give up, because of her physical abuse to you.

Then came your first wife, and how similar she was in terms of her capability of being physically and verbally abusive to you too.

It was your sharing about the second wife that somehow gave me a tiny aching pinch in my heart -- AGAIN -- because as usual, you cannot pinpoint any major negativity in her, and that the only thing you said she was, is the fact that she can be too "giving" to her son, and that she could allow him to "dominate" her in most cases.  And that she didn't have a good relationship with her Mother back in her home country -- the reason why you weren't introduced to her Mom, and also because she wanted her daughter to be with her own race only, or reconcile with the father of her son.

You continued on, that the second, is a good person, a very good Mother, and that she is not capable of physically or verbally abusing any person of any kind.

I would like to write here, that even if you did mention that I was like her in that area, that statement of yours did not make my heart any lighter.

I can still feel that to this day, you still love her and that you will always choose her over me, given the circumstances or scenario at present. Once more, I feel at a total loss, and my fate lies by a single tiny strand of thread.

She is perfect for you, and no one can top that.  She has not made you mad or upset in any way, and you were blissfully and perfectly happy with her.  I envy the thought and all the more know the truth about where I fit in your life in comparison to her and where she is in you -- who seems to be an angel always, and in all ways.

Intense Pain in My Heart

Every time I recall the course of where our conversation the other night (Aug. 24th) traversed to, I feel an intense pang of pain in my heart. I remember you telling me that maybe you were stupid to chase after your two ex-wives and trying so much to keep the relationship together.

I get it.

I get it clearly, loud and clear.

And since I always tell you that I know my place, I still know to this very time and moment, and know too well, that I am just somewhere way, way down below, for you to try and keep me in your life.  

I feel that I am so easily disposed of, and that I can always be  thrown somewhere out of the window, whenever there would be something that would make you upset.  I can't stand a chance.  I am not worth fighting for.  Nor the relationship.

You can easily get rid of me and I feel like your life can just move on forward breezily without me.

I am always hanging on by a thread.

Not secure,  I have no security at all.

And all because I am just a girlfriend.  Not a wife like them.

So even if I have invested so much in our relationship, I feel like I am saving and putting my all inside a piggy bank that has a huge hole down below it.  Nothing is ever saved nor left inside.

Everything I have invested and put so much effort into are all thrown and blown away by the wind.  There is nothing I can do to save or salvage it.

So I do not know what I am here for.  I have no idea where you plan on putting me while I am just here available for you 24/7.  And one day when we both wake up and I upset you, you will decide to discard me.  Just to get away with not having to deal with relationship problems between us.

Which makes me think about this fact:  That your two exes were so much fortunate to have received the best love from you.  Yes, they may have thrown it all away, the first one after 19 years, and the second one after about a year or so. 

And that left you less for me.  Because that made you become a lesser fighter for me.  Since being with me, you always give up so easily.  And all your recourse is to give me up or send me away when we have a problem.  

But how can that be avoided?  Arguments in a realationship are inevitable.  Even the best couples in the world fight.  

Looking Back

They say that the only time that one should ever look back 

is to check how far they've come.

Sadly for me, who would have thought that I, in all my mid 40s self, and who had so much to look forward to having a new love relationship, would come to my senses now and ask myself if this relationship is truly right for me.

I thought I had so much to look forward to.  But I guess I was wrong, and all because this guy can treat me with verbal abuse, and say things to me that can cut deep, and not mean a thing to him at all.

I thought too, that the sun that shone for me in the past would still follow me to the future.  I was wrong...  So very wrong...   And I feel so low, and I am a loser crawling back to where I came from for solace and comfort.

You Will Meet Your Karma

You are a narcissistic and very uncaring man.

You are someone who often snaps at me and will never show remorse for any big or little thing you cause me.

You make sure you have the last word and say.

You are kind to other people but show your real and true assholic self to me.

Your words hurt, scrape, and cut really deep.

You often turn your back at me and tthreaten to leave me and walk away.

I hate you to the deepest, darkest, and coldest corners of my heart.

Cheap Reply

I can clearly see that you do not intend to do anything to address how I feel here.  The most you did was to reply with that sad face emoji.  

         

Seriously????  Your reply was just a mere  ????

And to you, that is all the reply I deserve from you. 

That is so weightless and cheap compared to the gravity of heavy emotions I am feeling and experiencing right now.

What Is Next Now...?

 I don't know what I should do.

My happiness is always short-lived.

I Hate So Many Things

 
Lately I've been feeling that it is not a joy to be with you.  We cannot talk about anything under the sun and I cannot seem to be talkative around you.

So maybe you get your fill of talk or conversation when in the company of other people, your riders, or your friends.  I dunno, I just cannot be myself with you.  Maybe for fear of you getting upsent or agit when I open my mouth and blurt out anything I can think of.  I cannot be random with you and I hate it, really.

Most of the time too, when I know you just don't feel like talking about a certain topic, you shut me off and tell me that we will just talk about it the folowing day or morning.  But really, no evening topic that was ever discussed was also ever re-discussed in the morning or the following day after.

I hate you for that.

I hate that I cannot open my mouth to anything when with you.  I hate so many things and I am just getting tired of our relationship.  I hate that I can just see you onscreen, and listen in incognito while you drive and are at work.

I hate so many things and I wish I had a more physical boyfriend who can truly and fully stay with me and hug me for real.

I hate this life.  I hate this relationship.

I envy all those who can spend their day with you.  I hate it that you seem not to care abot how I feel too, when I just want to be with you, and you remain unfeeling and so distant.

Happy Tears

 Yes, happy tears.  

Because you told me today that you will treat my daughter as your own.

Good Job For Making Me Feel Good

Earlier today we had our convo moment before sleeping and one of the things I brought up to ask you was about the woman whom you went out once with, and who you initially knew from your sister.  You flew back to your home country after your divorce, and of course, you were healing a broken heart.

You thought that she was in your Facebook contacts and indeed she was, and I asked about her. You volunteered that the woman was an attractive one, and that you kew you had it good, and will have it even better with her, if you pursued. You said she was on her way to China and of course, you were based in the US and a possible relationship would not really be underway if distance would be that far.

I titled this entry as such, because you took the initiative to remove her from your Fb account, and that made me feel quite important.  I never really felt this much valued, you know...

For many years, I have lived with a person who never really regarded me as an important figure in his life.  And I never felt that I was a living, breathing, and feeling person.

So gestures like what you just did makes me feel special in a way.

I may not be able to capture the complete essence or accuracy of what transpired tonight, but this is all in my memory of emotions and feelings, deep inside my heart and mind.

I want to hug you for doing so, for making me feel good today, and for giving me a little bit of importance here.  

Thank you~

Your "Children"

 I feel like crying today.

You said you still love them even if not your own because you raised them for many years.

This photo is not directly related to what I am experiencing now, but it somehow makes me feel like I wanna do a high ten with the one who made it ---

Risk

Today as a way of just having to celebrate my second year with you, I give you the link to this blog.  It's like the key to my heart, and my very being is now exposed to you inside and out. 

Please remember --- that this is my online private diary.  Which as of today, will not be so private anymore, as the face behind all the words written down here is very well known to you.

So whatever you will read, please read with caution, and hopefully it will not make you mad or upset.  

The risk, I hope, will be worth it.  Happy 2nd...

Two Years Ago Today Part 2

...It's called 

L

D

R

...With my B.efore A.nything E.lse

You Wore Her Again

There she is again, hugging you. 😢

Today as we started video chatting, I immediately noticed that you wore one of the shirts that your 2nd wife gave you.  I am not really comfortable seeing you wear or use the things that she gave you, and regard this like a wedding ring, or something valuable to you like that.

I managed to tell you carefully without having to upset you, but really, it was like walking on egg shells once again. You kinda joked about it that I then should give you more shirts, and it was fine with me, really.  Better that way than having to deal with you on a fiery mood.

I added that it was like for the duration of the entire day, she was with us, driving along with you on the road, hanging around just like I was in the background.  Only, she was with you and hugging you, and I, was inside a cellphone, just looking at you.

Shortly after, though, you said that you do understand me.

That reaction in itself made me happy at least...

I hope for eternity.

IHY

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Threat

Today you got this rider who I remembered hit it off well with you so much last time.  It was sort of a long drive, which ran for 38-40 minutes, and she was really talkative and very open.  Casual flirting between two consenting adults as some would say. Maybe not harmful to some, but to me, it is.

I remarked about that sad memory and my big mouth volunteered that you bonded well with her during the entire 40-minute drive, and it broke my heart.  You reply was a swift, "It broke your heart?  You must be joking..." To which later on, I answered, "No, I am not joking, and yes, it broke my heart, and I just did not tell you last time..."

You said again that it was just work. And of course, I had to understand the nature of your job even if it does hurt me at times inside.  Some of your women riders welcome and engage in a lot of playful conversation and banter, interspersed with a sprinkling of flirting on the side, and sometimes I just could not take it.  Maybe to you it is a harmless thing.  But to me, it is, and it actually may lead to jeopardizing the relationship.

And then you remarked that maybe I should not be brought along while you worked...  And I said, "I don't know..."

To me, it sounded like you just threatened me.  And it always has to end this way.  At times I would like to take and accept it.  Don't know though if I could handle it.  Either way, it gives me a difficult life bearing it.

I choose to keep silent about this and heal on my own.  Because I know you will not understand me.

Again.

Alone At Last

My thoughts this time on "Alone" songs; this is what I like --  Neil Sedaka was during my parents' time again, but for some reason, I can appreciate the man's music.

I like the light bossa nova feel of this song, and it sort of gives me another version of Antonio Carlos Jobim's sound with the kind of beat that it gives.

Alone Again (Naturally) -- Again

Picking up from days ago, I remember my late Dad, who passed away during the last quarter of last year.

He was a music lover:  He played the piano.  The drums.  The guitar.  The electric guitar.  And I bet so much more.  And he did not read music notes.  He played by ouido -- which for me, was far more impressive than any other person who could read notes.

Alone Again (Naturally) was one song I will never forget.  Back then, Dad played it many times during the day.  Over and over again. I never knew why he liked the song so much, and never had the chance to ask him why and if he had an interesting story behind it.

Here it is again, this time in video.  I miss you Dad...  Whatever was your reason for loving this song so much, I am with you in it...

How and When...?

                How and when will I know if I should give up on a relationship?

                    

This is one of my most favorite quotes from 

The Little Prince 

by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry~

Your Reply Was Biting

You misinterpreted me once again when I  commented innocently that "I bet you didn't know that I was gone from our video chat earlier."

It was not meant to insinuate a negative thing from you, nor meant to be a sarcastic remark thrown at your face, but it was just that.  Just a casual, innocently said remark about JUST THAT.

And your reply was a reply I have heard and experienced many times before --- that of annoyance and rising anger or agitation.

I get very sad and feel the pain from you having to reply that way to me.  Because I did not mean anything, and obviously for the nth time, we are not on the same peaceful page.

I remember once before, that you replied with the same kind of annoying reply when Covid-19 just broke out and you had to wear your facemask while driving and at work. I jokingly told you that you were handsome already and need not check yourself frequently on the mirror.  You of course, replied with your usual very annoyed tone that the facemask was uncomfortable and so you had to fix it constantly, etc, etc. That biting remark clammed me up.  I felt it was not necessary for you to throw acid on me.  Was it a good thing for you to reply that way, when you could just have replied calmly to me to explain why you had to check the mirror that often?  I just don't get the reason for the rise in your temperature...

I have learned to deal with my frustrations on you with SILENCE.  But my heart is in constant pain for not being able to discuss these with you freely, and I feel very restricted in that manner.

I cannot be totally open with you, and I cannot discuss anything with you under the sun, for fear of making you upset and agitated totally.

These are the very things that make me think a lot of times whether we can go on this kind of relationship further, and because you are a person easily angered and do not practice restraint in anything that upsets you or disgusts you.

Sometimes I envy most of your riders who annoy you, because with them, you can extend a lot of your patience and understanding.  But with me, you simply cannot.

Maybe your two ex-wives had the fortune of being able to experience patience from you, especially your second, who has been with you in very happy times only -- as you said -- blissful days.

I hate being in this situation with you, wherein I feel at a total loss and feel deprived of the simple things I wish I have from you -- KINDNESS, PATIENCE, REAL LOVE.

I feel like crying and I totally cannot accept my fate.  I am on my last trip, I know, and for many years I have not been happy with the person whom I married.

And now, it seems like once again, I cannot be totally happy with you.  Why does it always seem to be imperfect in some ways that simply cannot be fixed?  My problem with you is not a simple problem for me, and I know that things in the future could escalate into more painful ways, having to receive such treatment from you.

You raise your voice at me every now and then, you at one point called me names and labeled me as "double-standard", and maybe there could be more in the future, who knows...

I am hurt, I am in pain, I am disappointed, and I feel at a loss in this relationship.  How can I win and experience winning together with you, when I am always the one adapting and adjusting to your personality and character?

Alone Again (Naturally)

I grew up hearing this song being played over and over in the car by my late Dad.  I remember, being a music lover himself, he had this player cartridge in his car, and he kept many music cartridges in there to play along while we were on the road.  Often, I recall, when he picked me up from school, he would play it and I would listen along with him.

Now fast forward to this day, I treasure all those old songs I had listened to when I was young, and I could clearly say that somehow, somewhere, I could relate to some of these oldies now.

I was born in the mid-seventies, but these songs were on the airwaves long before me.  However, my parents, most especially my late Father, would often play his collections and I was mostly there when he did.  So many songs from his time stuck to me, and now, I could relate to them very much.

Little did I know back then, that one day, all the songs from my parents' time would have a huge impact in me, and would resurface in my mind today as songs that would hit me in the gut...

Alone Again (Naturally)

Gilbert O'Sullivan

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour 

I promise myself to treat myself 

And visit a nearby tower 

And climbing to the top will throw myself off 

In an effort to make it clear to whoever 

What it's like when you're shattered 

Left standing in the lurch at a church 

Where people saying: "My God, that's tough" 

"She stood him up" 

"No point in us remaining" 

"We may as well go home" 

As I did on my own 

Alone again, naturally 

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay 

Looking forward to who wouldn't do 

The role I was about to play? 

But as if to knock me down 

Reality came around 

And without so much as a mere touch 

Cut me into little pieces 

Leaving me to doubt 

Talk about God in His mercy 

Who if He really does exist 

Why did He desert me? 

In my hour of need 

I truly am indeed 

Alone again, naturally 

It seems to me that there are more hearts

Broken in the world that can't be mended 

Left unattended 

What do we do? What do we do? 

Alone again, naturally

Looking back over the years

And whatever else that appears 

I remember I cried when my father died 

Never wishing to hide the tears 

And at sixty-five years old 

My mother, God rest her soul 

Couldn't understand why the only man 

She had ever loved had been taken 

Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken 

Despite encouragement from me 

No words were ever spoken 

And when she passed away 

I cried and cried all day 

Alone again, naturally 

Alone again, naturally

Shirt Gifts

Today I thought that you are wearing the shirt that your second ex gave you last time. 

I was wrong...

Or wasn't I?

The very thought of you wearing the shirts that she gave you gives me the feeling that she is with you again... 

Holding you...

Touching you...

Feeling you...

All over again.

Two Years Ago Today Part 1

Two years ago today,
I met you.
Two years of laughter,
Two years of pain,
Two years of being together,
On and off screen.

I do not know what is in store as my future is bleak.
All I know is that the very tiny flicker of hope in my heart will not subside.

I Cannot Breathe

I cannot breathe.  

Because I cannot unburden myself 
to you completely 
without you getting upset or rejecting me again.

Pain

Help
me...
I

cannot

take 

it

any

more.

Honesty

I don't know...  

But for some reason, 

I feel that sometimes,

he keeps some things from me 

here and there... 

Unwanted

Maybe if I just leave him alone as he seems to unwant me every time, then I would be doing him a huge favor. 

Because I realized,  that when a significant other makes you feel unwanted, one should not leave to make them feel sad or guilty. 

They won't.  

As for me, I should leave, instead, because I can clearly see that I no longer have a reason to stay. 

I have to be strong for myself.  

Maybe what is meant to be will end up good and what's not, won't.

Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you cannot be the only one fighting.

Most times, people need to fight for you.  

And if they don't, then you just have to move on and realize that what you gave them was more that they were willing to give you.

Change is Not Always a Good Thing

We are changing.
I can feel that we are going further and further away from each other.
But it is not your fault.
And not mine either.
It's just that sometimes, the tides change and decide to drift elsewhere.
Sometimes people forget to value another's presence and take that person for granted.
You and I are like that.
So now we are growing apart.

Rejection

Every time you wear the shirts that she gave you, I am reminded of how much you love the other one, and how much devotion, loyalty, and faithfulness you have for her.

You told me the other day, that because she held a higher place in your life, you of course, pursued her and tried to fix whatever problem you had with her.

Whereas with me, you always drove me out when there was a problem.  And you always rejected me.

This is the thing you always bestowed on me: Rejection.

Nobody ever treated me this way except for you.  And no one else gave me that feeling of being unwanted except you.

I am a reject.

Hate

If I treat you 

the way you treat me,

 you would HATE me.

All I Want To Do Right Now

“You speak so highly of him,” he said to her,
“Why do you do that? Why do you speak of him as if he put the stars in the sky when he did nothing but break you so god damn much that the cracks in your heart were practically visible through your eyes.”

She laughed, “That’s the thing about love, isn’t it? You’ll let them get away with murder, even if it’s your own.”

~ Excerpt from A Book I’ll Never Write

I Regret It

I regret giving him what I gave for his birthday.  It seems he is not happy with them.

One, he said that the wood crate used to hold the second gift I gave was cheaply made.

I was not expecting him to put it down that way because for one, the gifts are expensive, and  well-thought out items.

Secondly, the main gift, he kept away and as I was also hoping he would try them out and actually use them, but seems he will not.  Maybe he is embarrassed as they were personalized ones with my message on it and his initials too.

Sad, yes...  I don't think he appreciated the gifts truthfully.

Birthday Gift

I am the worst gift ever for his birthday. 

If I had the power to do it, I will bring his ex wife back to make him perfectly happy today.  

I know how much he loves and adores her. 

He told me how blissfully happy he was with her, and because he is the most important person in my life, I want to bring that episode back in his life to make him completely happy again.

Maybe...

Nothing can ever justify why a man cheats.

From where I am, I can't understand why he needs to be mad every time I ask about other women. Is it guilt? He always has to raise his voice at me or get upset at me for asking questions about certain things in the relationship. And I have never ever cried so many times in my entire life for anyone but him... I know that I am not as important to him as his wives. Never was it in my intention to inflict pain in him. Never will.

But I have a lot of maybes. That will probably never be answered. I fear him. I cannot ask. I cannot clarify. I cannot discuss anything about his past with him. I am walking on eggshells.

Maybe because I am just a girlfriend. I know my place like I have told him several times. And I also know that I am an easy-to-dispose-of person in his life. I guess he just doesn't understand a lot of things about me too. Our ways are different. All I know is that I do not occupy that place in his life or heart that much. Anything between us that would pose a problem, tiny or big, will have him throw me out of his life just like that.

Maybe I am the worst ever partner, girlfriend, and woman in his life. And it is shaky. I do not hold anything that will keep me in place. I am at a total loss. I do not think he ever treated his two wives this way. I don't think he threw them out, or always tried to remove them from his life as he does to me.

​I don't think he actually cheats, but if he could, maybe he would. I feel like I am cheated on when he is in his beast mode and wants to throw me out. I feel like I am being cheated on because of his lack of show of loyalty to our relationship. I feel it is very shaky despite knowing him from a distance for almost two years.​

Maybe I am stupid like I am being told I am because whatever he tells me, I instantly take and believe. I feel like I am such an easy target. Why can't I be like his 2nd wife who seems to be so very perfect enough for him? I am such a loser in this. I don't think I will ever feel like I wear the crown. Sure, we are still together, but every time, I feel like I am being pushed to the edge and my being in this kind of relationship does not make me secure. Maybe being just a girlfriend totally does not put me in a good place in his life and heart very well. I have to love this much in my life. I am new to this, but my heart is badly broken.

My heart has been broken when the first man who took me to be his wife did not love me the way he is supposed to be. I waited for many years and took care of his children. I bore and raised them with my own hands. In my home country, nannies are a must in every financially capable household with kids. But since I myself was raised by a nanny, I didn't want one for my own. But life looked down on me and the fates​ looked away from my face. I was in an unhappy marriage. I tried as hard as I could to improve in this area but failed miserably. Why am I even writing about this here, when my life is now with this new man?

​Oh yes, now I remember -- because the broken heart that I had last time, has been glued back together, yes, but is now more broken. Again. This time into much smaller pieces. I realized that when you truly fall for a person, the pain to bear in love is much more terrible. But that very same pain will make you endure until you feel numb from it.​ It will make you want to hold on to that person and make you nonetheless -- stupid, perhaps. But the man in my life right now is not like so. He pushes me away and makes me feel like I am the most worthless, useless person in his life. Proven by him easily throwing me out of his life when we have a misunderstanding or problem somewhere in between.

So now I am always hanging by his very fragile noose. More like I am hanging on by a thread. Anytime, I may be cut off again. And for every fall, my heart is repeatedly broken into smaller and tinier pieces. And that makes it a million times more difficult to put back together again. Constantly I have to lick my own wounds. And nurse my very bruised heart back to its surviving state. So can one blame me for wishing that I was in the place of his 1st or 2nd wife? I especially want to be in the place of his 2nd, who has received so much love from this man. I believe she had him at his best -- when his very own experiences from his past have molded him to be his very own version of an improved self. For her to savor and take wholly. I wish I was there to experience that. I wish I was in her place.

If I met a man who will truly and fully want and need me like that, then that very same man will receive what he has sowed. And had I been the recipient of that kind of devotion, I would cherish and take care of it properly, with my most loving, tender, and caring heart.

I have so many readers in this blog, yet we do not know each other. I shall remain the faceless, nameless woman behind this space. Thank you for all your comments. And for sharing your own plights with me. I can only wish us well.

Until my next entry...