I Know my Place... Sadly

 

Yes, I know my place.

Sadly, that is...

Last night we were talking about if lovers can be best friends and vice versa.

You said yes to the former.

And likewise to the latter.

And I asked if that was what you tried to "pursue" of having with your first wife.  You said it is not pursuing that is, --- to which I corrected myself about because I just could not find the right word to call it, I said --- and then you replied that it was what you hoped for since you do not hold grudges or anger on people and that you just wish for peace (and all that is related to it, I said silently to myself).

You added that some celebrities end up being very good friends with their exes.  I said that that kind of arrangement does not sit well with me and that for me, if one cannot simply move on without an ex completely, then that relationship should not at all be completely severed, and those two people should just stay together as is.

You said that it is a matter of perspective.  Yes, I can agree with that, but my perspective is very much different from yours:  If you cannot let go completely and if you cannot move on AWAY from your two wives, then you should just cling back to them and do not bother on moving forward with me.

Our thoughts are different and so becoming best friends could be just a dream.

So I remembered one email I received from someone not too long ago, and decided to tell you about it --- that message clearly said, that if I was drowning in sea with your second wife, you will surely save her than save me.

You were quick in replying that, you do not know how to swim -- but I was also quick to talk while you did --- that you do not need to answer that question...  

And please DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION AT ALL.

Because from my perspective, you cannot even answer that question hands down. 

I know and can see that your second wife still holds (and will always hold) a special place in your heart and that she will always occupy and share that space with me, no matter how cramped I feel it is inside.  

Your heart will never be exclusively mine.

I will never be in that heart space of yours fully alone.  There are many of us, and two very major special women -- your two ex-wives -- will always be there to fill it all up.

And that is why I KNOW MY PLACE.

And my place is WAY BENEATH your second wife.  

And beneath your first wife too, of course.

And last night I continued to say that I know you will save her instead of me because I know how much you care about her, and how important she is to you.

You continued to talk, but I was completely drowning in my own sea of tears.

I do not any more wish for you to know how I truly feel, and I could not hear what else you were saying.

I could not quite understand your additional explanation, but to me, it still hurt me deep inside. 

My heart is simply torn again, and it has not even fully recovered from the past wounds I received from you and the circumstances surrounding our love story.

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I KNOW MY PLACE.

SADLY, that is...