Your Reply Was Biting

You misinterpreted me once again when I  commented innocently that "I bet you didn't know that I was gone from our video chat earlier."

It was not meant to insinuate a negative thing from you, nor meant to be a sarcastic remark thrown at your face, but it was just that.  Just a casual, innocently said remark about JUST THAT.

And your reply was a reply I have heard and experienced many times before --- that of annoyance and rising anger or agitation.

I get very sad and feel the pain from you having to reply that way to me.  Because I did not mean anything, and obviously for the nth time, we are not on the same peaceful page.

I remember once before, that you replied with the same kind of annoying reply when Covid-19 just broke out and you had to wear your facemask while driving and at work. I jokingly told you that you were handsome already and need not check yourself frequently on the mirror.  You of course, replied with your usual very annoyed tone that the facemask was uncomfortable and so you had to fix it constantly, etc, etc. That biting remark clammed me up.  I felt it was not necessary for you to throw acid on me.  Was it a good thing for you to reply that way, when you could just have replied calmly to me to explain why you had to check the mirror that often?  I just don't get the reason for the rise in your temperature...

I have learned to deal with my frustrations on you with SILENCE.  But my heart is in constant pain for not being able to discuss these with you freely, and I feel very restricted in that manner.

I cannot be totally open with you, and I cannot discuss anything with you under the sun, for fear of making you upset and agitated totally.

These are the very things that make me think a lot of times whether we can go on this kind of relationship further, and because you are a person easily angered and do not practice restraint in anything that upsets you or disgusts you.

Sometimes I envy most of your riders who annoy you, because with them, you can extend a lot of your patience and understanding.  But with me, you simply cannot.

Maybe your two ex-wives had the fortune of being able to experience patience from you, especially your second, who has been with you in very happy times only -- as you said -- blissful days.

I hate being in this situation with you, wherein I feel at a total loss and feel deprived of the simple things I wish I have from you -- KINDNESS, PATIENCE, REAL LOVE.

I feel like crying and I totally cannot accept my fate.  I am on my last trip, I know, and for many years I have not been happy with the person whom I married.

And now, it seems like once again, I cannot be totally happy with you.  Why does it always seem to be imperfect in some ways that simply cannot be fixed?  My problem with you is not a simple problem for me, and I know that things in the future could escalate into more painful ways, having to receive such treatment from you.

You raise your voice at me every now and then, you at one point called me names and labeled me as "double-standard", and maybe there could be more in the future, who knows...

I am hurt, I am in pain, I am disappointed, and I feel at a loss in this relationship.  How can I win and experience winning together with you, when I am always the one adapting and adjusting to your personality and character?