Intense Pain in My Heart

Every time I recall the course of where our conversation the other night (Aug. 24th) traversed to, I feel an intense pang of pain in my heart. I remember you telling me that maybe you were stupid to chase after your two ex-wives and trying so much to keep the relationship together.

I get it.

I get it clearly, loud and clear.

And since I always tell you that I know my place, I still know to this very time and moment, and know too well, that I am just somewhere way, way down below, for you to try and keep me in your life.  

I feel that I am so easily disposed of, and that I can always be  thrown somewhere out of the window, whenever there would be something that would make you upset.  I can't stand a chance.  I am not worth fighting for.  Nor the relationship.

You can easily get rid of me and I feel like your life can just move on forward breezily without me.

I am always hanging on by a thread.

Not secure,  I have no security at all.

And all because I am just a girlfriend.  Not a wife like them.

So even if I have invested so much in our relationship, I feel like I am saving and putting my all inside a piggy bank that has a huge hole down below it.  Nothing is ever saved nor left inside.

Everything I have invested and put so much effort into are all thrown and blown away by the wind.  There is nothing I can do to save or salvage it.

So I do not know what I am here for.  I have no idea where you plan on putting me while I am just here available for you 24/7.  And one day when we both wake up and I upset you, you will decide to discard me.  Just to get away with not having to deal with relationship problems between us.

Which makes me think about this fact:  That your two exes were so much fortunate to have received the best love from you.  Yes, they may have thrown it all away, the first one after 19 years, and the second one after about a year or so. 

And that left you less for me.  Because that made you become a lesser fighter for me.  Since being with me, you always give up so easily.  And all your recourse is to give me up or send me away when we have a problem.  

But how can that be avoided?  Arguments in a realationship are inevitable.  Even the best couples in the world fight.  

Looking Back

They say that the only time that one should ever look back 

is to check how far they've come.

Sadly for me, who would have thought that I, in all my mid 40s self, and who had so much to look forward to having a new love relationship, would come to my senses now and ask myself if this relationship is truly right for me.

I thought I had so much to look forward to.  But I guess I was wrong, and all because this guy can treat me with verbal abuse, and say things to me that can cut deep, and not mean a thing to him at all.

I thought too, that the sun that shone for me in the past would still follow me to the future.  I was wrong...  So very wrong...   And I feel so low, and I am a loser crawling back to where I came from for solace and comfort.

You Will Meet Your Karma

You are a narcissistic and very uncaring man.

You are someone who often snaps at me and will never show remorse for any big or little thing you cause me.

You make sure you have the last word and say.

You are kind to other people but show your real and true assholic self to me.

Your words hurt, scrape, and cut really deep.

You often turn your back at me and tthreaten to leave me and walk away.

I hate you to the deepest, darkest, and coldest corners of my heart.

Cheap Reply

I can clearly see that you do not intend to do anything to address how I feel here.  The most you did was to reply with that sad face emoji.  

         

Seriously????  Your reply was just a mere  ????

And to you, that is all the reply I deserve from you. 

That is so weightless and cheap compared to the gravity of heavy emotions I am feeling and experiencing right now.

What Is Next Now...?

 I don't know what I should do.

My happiness is always short-lived.

I Hate So Many Things

 
Lately I've been feeling that it is not a joy to be with you.  We cannot talk about anything under the sun and I cannot seem to be talkative around you.

So maybe you get your fill of talk or conversation when in the company of other people, your riders, or your friends.  I dunno, I just cannot be myself with you.  Maybe for fear of you getting upsent or agit when I open my mouth and blurt out anything I can think of.  I cannot be random with you and I hate it, really.

Most of the time too, when I know you just don't feel like talking about a certain topic, you shut me off and tell me that we will just talk about it the folowing day or morning.  But really, no evening topic that was ever discussed was also ever re-discussed in the morning or the following day after.

I hate you for that.

I hate that I cannot open my mouth to anything when with you.  I hate so many things and I am just getting tired of our relationship.  I hate that I can just see you onscreen, and listen in incognito while you drive and are at work.

I hate so many things and I wish I had a more physical boyfriend who can truly and fully stay with me and hug me for real.

I hate this life.  I hate this relationship.

I envy all those who can spend their day with you.  I hate it that you seem not to care abot how I feel too, when I just want to be with you, and you remain unfeeling and so distant.

Happy Tears

 Yes, happy tears.  

Because you told me today that you will treat my daughter as your own.

Good Job For Making Me Feel Good

Earlier today we had our convo moment before sleeping and one of the things I brought up to ask you was about the woman whom you went out once with, and who you initially knew from your sister.  You flew back to your home country after your divorce, and of course, you were healing a broken heart.

You thought that she was in your Facebook contacts and indeed she was, and I asked about her. You volunteered that the woman was an attractive one, and that you kew you had it good, and will have it even better with her, if you pursued. You said she was on her way to China and of course, you were based in the US and a possible relationship would not really be underway if distance would be that far.

I titled this entry as such, because you took the initiative to remove her from your Fb account, and that made me feel quite important.  I never really felt this much valued, you know...

For many years, I have lived with a person who never really regarded me as an important figure in his life.  And I never felt that I was a living, breathing, and feeling person.

So gestures like what you just did makes me feel special in a way.

I may not be able to capture the complete essence or accuracy of what transpired tonight, but this is all in my memory of emotions and feelings, deep inside my heart and mind.

I want to hug you for doing so, for making me feel good today, and for giving me a little bit of importance here.  

Thank you~

Your "Children"

 I feel like crying today.

You said you still love them even if not your own because you raised them for many years.

This photo is not directly related to what I am experiencing now, but it somehow makes me feel like I wanna do a high ten with the one who made it ---

Risk

Today as a way of just having to celebrate my second year with you, I give you the link to this blog.  It's like the key to my heart, and my very being is now exposed to you inside and out. 

Please remember --- that this is my online private diary.  Which as of today, will not be so private anymore, as the face behind all the words written down here is very well known to you.

So whatever you will read, please read with caution, and hopefully it will not make you mad or upset.  

The risk, I hope, will be worth it.  Happy 2nd...

Two Years Ago Today Part 2

...It's called 

L

D

R

...With my B.efore A.nything E.lse

You Wore Her Again

There she is again, hugging you. 😢

Today as we started video chatting, I immediately noticed that you wore one of the shirts that your 2nd wife gave you.  I am not really comfortable seeing you wear or use the things that she gave you, and regard this like a wedding ring, or something valuable to you like that.

I managed to tell you carefully without having to upset you, but really, it was like walking on egg shells once again. You kinda joked about it that I then should give you more shirts, and it was fine with me, really.  Better that way than having to deal with you on a fiery mood.

I added that it was like for the duration of the entire day, she was with us, driving along with you on the road, hanging around just like I was in the background.  Only, she was with you and hugging you, and I, was inside a cellphone, just looking at you.

Shortly after, though, you said that you do understand me.

That reaction in itself made me happy at least...

I hope for eternity.