Sad Refrain

I look out and I see the rain,

As it falls on my window pane,

And the music that's in my heart,

Is a sad refrain...

Endless traffic of sounds and sights,

Midst the glitter of neon lights,

Still the music that's in my heart,

Is the same sad refrain...

Take a jet to a hide-away,

From the hum-drum of everyday,

Yet the music that's in my heart,

Is the same, sad refrain...

Mem'ries of you follow everywhere I go,

Down the high and bi-ways of my days,

Music of your laughter fills my every dream,

Like a love song from long ago...

Never ending streams of faces come and go,

Million diff'rent people all around,

No use searching for I'll never find you there,

For you are far beyond compare...

Being Unkind

It's ironic that you told your female rider about this male rider you had the other day about how he was unkind and spoke in an unkindly manner to his pregnant wife or girlfriend while inside your car.

Why do I find it ironic? Because you were so "proud" in telling this woman rider of yours that it was definitely not a nice way to treat a significant someone, or simply not a good way to be like that to another person.

And it DID NOT even occur to YOU that you are far worse in treating me or speaking to me than that man rider was to his woman. It was never an important thought to you that the way you treat me is so differently expressed and manifested than how you treat other people -- your riders, most especially, whom you treat with the sweetest, kindest, and gentlest respect, manner, and decorum, and they are in fact, a million times more fortunate than myself being treated by you in so many harsh angles.

As what this article says:

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What does unkindly mean?

Unkind treatment is made up of put downs, lack of excitement, undermining, or belittling. In covert ways you will see the abuser laughing things off, making you doubt yourself, confusing you, not giving you straight answers, turning things against you, then being overly nice, requiring behaviors that you can never get right, or giving to you that comes with increased requirements. The overt versions include outright anger, name calling,
criticism, ridicule, accusations, demands that cannot be met. The battlegrounds where these vicious psychological manipulations take place are in choice or decision making,
systematic set-ups (encouraging you, followed by criticizing or ridiculing you), poor sportsmanship, upmanship, showing off (lavish spending), followed by punishment and denial of your rightful challenge or criticism, threats or spoiling, giving then accusing you of selfishness. The list is seemingly endless. But the basic accusation in any unkindness is: You are wrong

(The Mend Project, 2018, "MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER DOES NOT TREAT ME KINDLY", 2018, Sept. 23, 2020)

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So should I allow myself to be treated as such continuously, or every now and then, when you feel like so?

Earlier, you said sorry to me, and added that you have a problem I should help you with. I asked what it was, and you said it was your temperament and that you are aware that you hurt the perople you love the most.

I replied that acknowledging your problem is at least half of it solved already. But really, saying that to you did not really make me feel that I am assured of that statement from myself.

I am still on the losing end.

Help Me

I am in deep pain

My heart aches

I don't know until when I can endure this

I need help from the universe

For it to embrace me 

And numb me from all the hurt

I cannot take it any longer

It is very painful

I am bleeding inside

No one knows

No one can see

No one can hear

Please help me

To have the courage 

To walk away from this relationship

He thinks he is all good

But he abuses me too with his verbal thorns

He will not admit it

But that is all I know

And feel

And take

Despite his attacks

I still love him

Because I am stupid

And because I choose to love

But need to be loved

Please help me

Please believe me

Please rescue me

Help me

Are We Worth One More Try?

Should we stay or should we say goodbye?

Walk away or give it one more try?

What a waste to let our dreams just fly

And as the days go by,

We'll always wonder why.

Are we glad to find one day we're free?

Is this what we really want to be?

Brand new lives, we need to have so much

It really is quite tough,

When love is not enough.

Tell me why did we find each other?

Only to part ways in the end?

Tell me how we learned to love each other?

And tell me why two people have to change?

Was it pride that made made us drift away?

Hurting words we should not even say,

Hold my hand and look straight in my eyes,

If we can't say goodbye,

Then we're worth one more try.

Two Years and A Month

I am happy that we just had our monthly anniversary yesterday -- Our USary, as you coined it. You wrote a good post in the poetry site that you belonged to, and just like always, I am elated by what I have seen and read.

Last night as we had our moment before sleeping on vid, I asked you something about how was it having an LDR in the past, when no emails or social media accounts were present...

You obliged by sharing a story about how you were with your very first LDR girl, which you had for seven years, and how that relationship broke your heart.

What you shared last night was not really "big" anymore to me, as I have heard most about those from you last time.  Still, I find it always a welcome "treat" for me to hear about them from you.

Your sharing led to the British girlfriend, whom you've had about five years after your very first heartbreak, and you said, that you always held on to your relationships, but this particular one, you had to give up, because of her physical abuse to you.

Then came your first wife, and how similar she was in terms of her capability of being physically and verbally abusive to you too.

It was your sharing about the second wife that somehow gave me a tiny aching pinch in my heart -- AGAIN -- because as usual, you cannot pinpoint any major negativity in her, and that the only thing you said she was, is the fact that she can be too "giving" to her son, and that she could allow him to "dominate" her in most cases.  And that she didn't have a good relationship with her Mother back in her home country -- the reason why you weren't introduced to her Mom, and also because she wanted her daughter to be with her own race only, or reconcile with the father of her son.

You continued on, that the second, is a good person, a very good Mother, and that she is not capable of physically or verbally abusing any person of any kind.

I would like to write here, that even if you did mention that I was like her in that area, that statement of yours did not make my heart any lighter.

I can still feel that to this day, you still love her and that you will always choose her over me, given the circumstances or scenario at present. Once more, I feel at a total loss, and my fate lies by a single tiny strand of thread.

She is perfect for you, and no one can top that.  She has not made you mad or upset in any way, and you were blissfully and perfectly happy with her.  I envy the thought and all the more know the truth about where I fit in your life in comparison to her and where she is in you -- who seems to be an angel always, and in all ways.