IHY

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Threat

Today you got this rider who I remembered hit it off well with you so much last time.  It was sort of a long drive, which ran for 38-40 minutes, and she was really talkative and very open.  Casual flirting between two consenting adults as some would say. Maybe not harmful to some, but to me, it is.

I remarked about that sad memory and my big mouth volunteered that you bonded well with her during the entire 40-minute drive, and it broke my heart.  You reply was a swift, "It broke your heart?  You must be joking..." To which later on, I answered, "No, I am not joking, and yes, it broke my heart, and I just did not tell you last time..."

You said again that it was just work. And of course, I had to understand the nature of your job even if it does hurt me at times inside.  Some of your women riders welcome and engage in a lot of playful conversation and banter, interspersed with a sprinkling of flirting on the side, and sometimes I just could not take it.  Maybe to you it is a harmless thing.  But to me, it is, and it actually may lead to jeopardizing the relationship.

And then you remarked that maybe I should not be brought along while you worked...  And I said, "I don't know..."

To me, it sounded like you just threatened me.  And it always has to end this way.  At times I would like to take and accept it.  Don't know though if I could handle it.  Either way, it gives me a difficult life bearing it.

I choose to keep silent about this and heal on my own.  Because I know you will not understand me.

Again.

Alone At Last

My thoughts this time on "Alone" songs; this is what I like --  Neil Sedaka was during my parents' time again, but for some reason, I can appreciate the man's music.

I like the light bossa nova feel of this song, and it sort of gives me another version of Antonio Carlos Jobim's sound with the kind of beat that it gives.

Alone Again (Naturally) -- Again

Picking up from days ago, I remember my late Dad, who passed away during the last quarter of last year.

He was a music lover:  He played the piano.  The drums.  The guitar.  The electric guitar.  And I bet so much more.  And he did not read music notes.  He played by ouido -- which for me, was far more impressive than any other person who could read notes.

Alone Again (Naturally) was one song I will never forget.  Back then, Dad played it many times during the day.  Over and over again. I never knew why he liked the song so much, and never had the chance to ask him why and if he had an interesting story behind it.

Here it is again, this time in video.  I miss you Dad...  Whatever was your reason for loving this song so much, I am with you in it...

How and When...?

                How and when will I know if I should give up on a relationship?

                    

This is one of my most favorite quotes from 

The Little Prince 

by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry~

Your Reply Was Biting

You misinterpreted me once again when I  commented innocently that "I bet you didn't know that I was gone from our video chat earlier."

It was not meant to insinuate a negative thing from you, nor meant to be a sarcastic remark thrown at your face, but it was just that.  Just a casual, innocently said remark about JUST THAT.

And your reply was a reply I have heard and experienced many times before --- that of annoyance and rising anger or agitation.

I get very sad and feel the pain from you having to reply that way to me.  Because I did not mean anything, and obviously for the nth time, we are not on the same peaceful page.

I remember once before, that you replied with the same kind of annoying reply when Covid-19 just broke out and you had to wear your facemask while driving and at work. I jokingly told you that you were handsome already and need not check yourself frequently on the mirror.  You of course, replied with your usual very annoyed tone that the facemask was uncomfortable and so you had to fix it constantly, etc, etc. That biting remark clammed me up.  I felt it was not necessary for you to throw acid on me.  Was it a good thing for you to reply that way, when you could just have replied calmly to me to explain why you had to check the mirror that often?  I just don't get the reason for the rise in your temperature...

I have learned to deal with my frustrations on you with SILENCE.  But my heart is in constant pain for not being able to discuss these with you freely, and I feel very restricted in that manner.

I cannot be totally open with you, and I cannot discuss anything with you under the sun, for fear of making you upset and agitated totally.

These are the very things that make me think a lot of times whether we can go on this kind of relationship further, and because you are a person easily angered and do not practice restraint in anything that upsets you or disgusts you.

Sometimes I envy most of your riders who annoy you, because with them, you can extend a lot of your patience and understanding.  But with me, you simply cannot.

Maybe your two ex-wives had the fortune of being able to experience patience from you, especially your second, who has been with you in very happy times only -- as you said -- blissful days.

I hate being in this situation with you, wherein I feel at a total loss and feel deprived of the simple things I wish I have from you -- KINDNESS, PATIENCE, REAL LOVE.

I feel like crying and I totally cannot accept my fate.  I am on my last trip, I know, and for many years I have not been happy with the person whom I married.

And now, it seems like once again, I cannot be totally happy with you.  Why does it always seem to be imperfect in some ways that simply cannot be fixed?  My problem with you is not a simple problem for me, and I know that things in the future could escalate into more painful ways, having to receive such treatment from you.

You raise your voice at me every now and then, you at one point called me names and labeled me as "double-standard", and maybe there could be more in the future, who knows...

I am hurt, I am in pain, I am disappointed, and I feel at a loss in this relationship.  How can I win and experience winning together with you, when I am always the one adapting and adjusting to your personality and character?

Alone Again (Naturally)

I grew up hearing this song being played over and over in the car by my late Dad.  I remember, being a music lover himself, he had this player cartridge in his car, and he kept many music cartridges in there to play along while we were on the road.  Often, I recall, when he picked me up from school, he would play it and I would listen along with him.

Now fast forward to this day, I treasure all those old songs I had listened to when I was young, and I could clearly say that somehow, somewhere, I could relate to some of these oldies now.

I was born in the mid-seventies, but these songs were on the airwaves long before me.  However, my parents, most especially my late Father, would often play his collections and I was mostly there when he did.  So many songs from his time stuck to me, and now, I could relate to them very much.

Little did I know back then, that one day, all the songs from my parents' time would have a huge impact in me, and would resurface in my mind today as songs that would hit me in the gut...

Alone Again (Naturally)

Gilbert O'Sullivan

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour 

I promise myself to treat myself 

And visit a nearby tower 

And climbing to the top will throw myself off 

In an effort to make it clear to whoever 

What it's like when you're shattered 

Left standing in the lurch at a church 

Where people saying: "My God, that's tough" 

"She stood him up" 

"No point in us remaining" 

"We may as well go home" 

As I did on my own 

Alone again, naturally 

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay 

Looking forward to who wouldn't do 

The role I was about to play? 

But as if to knock me down 

Reality came around 

And without so much as a mere touch 

Cut me into little pieces 

Leaving me to doubt 

Talk about God in His mercy 

Who if He really does exist 

Why did He desert me? 

In my hour of need 

I truly am indeed 

Alone again, naturally 

It seems to me that there are more hearts

Broken in the world that can't be mended 

Left unattended 

What do we do? What do we do? 

Alone again, naturally

Looking back over the years

And whatever else that appears 

I remember I cried when my father died 

Never wishing to hide the tears 

And at sixty-five years old 

My mother, God rest her soul 

Couldn't understand why the only man 

She had ever loved had been taken 

Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken 

Despite encouragement from me 

No words were ever spoken 

And when she passed away 

I cried and cried all day 

Alone again, naturally 

Alone again, naturally

Shirt Gifts

Today I thought that you are wearing the shirt that your second ex gave you last time. 

I was wrong...

Or wasn't I?

The very thought of you wearing the shirts that she gave you gives me the feeling that she is with you again... 

Holding you...

Touching you...

Feeling you...

All over again.

Two Years Ago Today Part 1

Two years ago today,
I met you.
Two years of laughter,
Two years of pain,
Two years of being together,
On and off screen.

I do not know what is in store as my future is bleak.
All I know is that the very tiny flicker of hope in my heart will not subside.

I Cannot Breathe

I cannot breathe.  

Because I cannot unburden myself 
to you completely 
without you getting upset or rejecting me again.

Pain

Help
me...
I

cannot

take 

it

any

more.

Honesty

I don't know...  

But for some reason, 

I feel that sometimes,

he keeps some things from me 

here and there... 

Unwanted

Maybe if I just leave him alone as he seems to unwant me every time, then I would be doing him a huge favor. 

Because I realized,  that when a significant other makes you feel unwanted, one should not leave to make them feel sad or guilty. 

They won't.  

As for me, I should leave, instead, because I can clearly see that I no longer have a reason to stay. 

I have to be strong for myself.  

Maybe what is meant to be will end up good and what's not, won't.

Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you cannot be the only one fighting.

Most times, people need to fight for you.  

And if they don't, then you just have to move on and realize that what you gave them was more that they were willing to give you.

Change is Not Always a Good Thing

We are changing.
I can feel that we are going further and further away from each other.
But it is not your fault.
And not mine either.
It's just that sometimes, the tides change and decide to drift elsewhere.
Sometimes people forget to value another's presence and take that person for granted.
You and I are like that.
So now we are growing apart.

Rejection

Every time you wear the shirts that she gave you, I am reminded of how much you love the other one, and how much devotion, loyalty, and faithfulness you have for her.

You told me the other day, that because she held a higher place in your life, you of course, pursued her and tried to fix whatever problem you had with her.

Whereas with me, you always drove me out when there was a problem.  And you always rejected me.

This is the thing you always bestowed on me: Rejection.

Nobody ever treated me this way except for you.  And no one else gave me that feeling of being unwanted except you.

I am a reject.

Hate

If I treat you 

the way you treat me,

 you would HATE me.

All I Want To Do Right Now

“You speak so highly of him,” he said to her,
“Why do you do that? Why do you speak of him as if he put the stars in the sky when he did nothing but break you so god damn much that the cracks in your heart were practically visible through your eyes.”

She laughed, “That’s the thing about love, isn’t it? You’ll let them get away with murder, even if it’s your own.”

~ Excerpt from A Book I’ll Never Write