Thinking About My Life

Me: I have been able to think about a lot of things about my life when you were gone.

You: What sort of things about your life you are able to think about?

Me again: Writing and blogging have made me re-align my priorities, and think about the things I have missed for myself. I have been relying heavily on things, or people. The pandemic has made me a prisoner literally and figuratively. I realized that I am left to take care of myself on my own and that people, things, events, etc... can make or break me. And that no one else can really care faithfully and truthfully. Not even my kids perhaps, due to them slowly creating and building their own lives for the future. I also realized that somehow, or in a big, significant way, I have relied on you for too much comfort and strength, and solace, but due to being human, expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration. I realized that I also cannot be someone else's world, no matter how strong or deeply connected we can all be. I should be able to learn how to distance myself emotionally from people and or places, and or things. I do not expect you to understand what I have written here. You don't have to, really. This is just all brain cells working.

You again: **no reaction**

So Am I In Love WIth You?

...To be honest, yes, because I was vulnerable.

I never imagined this was possible, 

but I fell in love in the first month.

I know this is all we'll ever have.

I get that.

Perhaps I'm not the girl you'd want 

to spend the rest of your life with.

If I go with you again,

it'll only be if we'll be together forever.

Because

 I'm just a girl...

I'm just that weird, stupid girl

in front of you,

asking you to love her.

Yeah, just let me go.

I mean, just go.

I Should Quit

 Yes, I think I should. 

What Makes One Human

 

My Mistake

 You encouraged me to speak up and tell you what was on my mind.

And I did.

My mistake.

Again you said hurtful words after I bared my soul, or after I asked for some clarifications from you again.

Hurtful enough to damage my already hurt and bruised feelings.

You said our relationship is toxic. 

Very toxic, you repeated that several times.

And I said I disagree as we do not really fight, much less fight violently.

You said because I let other people in, but I said whoever those other people are, do not ruin anything because I do not and never believed them.

But I know that you lied.  You showed me her emails all unread, but she has shown me proof that every single email was opened and read.  It is obvious that you only marked them as unread. What a deceitful person you are.

You also told me that you actually don't need a woman in your life and you are prepared to live and grow old alone.  So what then did you still call me when you work up today?

Once again, you have thrown so many hurtful and painful words at me, and I know that you will never be able to take them all back. They have just made my emotional wounds deeper, and each wound is much more painful than the last.

I  remember you also told me that your preferences change over time, and you can be with a 20-year old woman given that you two get along well in the relationship. Wow, that thought just also stung my ears, knowing you could never have fixed preferences, so anyone who lives and breathes, and wears a skirt can be a good and potential candidate for you.  I wish I could say the same, and just hook up with any other male on this planet.

When I said sorry that you think that ours is a toxic relationship, you replied that my sorry is not sincere.  Who are you to say that?  Who are you to say that my intentions and words are not sincere when every word that came and comes out of my mouth is nothing but true?

You are a product of your past relationships and for that, I feel very sorry for myself.  I live and put up from what you have experienced from each and every one of your past partners.  And no one is present to help me go through this except myself alone. I have to lick my own wounds every single moment, accept what you hurl at me every time you are agitated, and grow out of a very painful heartache. 

You may not be aware of this -- that for each time you are upset, you say painful words that cut deep into my soul.  And I guess you are never sorry that you hurt and cut me deep each time that you do.  This is something that adds up to my pain and anguish.

Do you know that every time I tell you that I love you more, I mean it? I mean it truthfully and honestly. And if you will only listen and feel my every word, you will know that it is an actual, literal, and truthful "MORE."

I love you MORE. I love you MORE than you love me.  This is true. I swallow my pride, I swallow every hurt and pain, I swallow every insult that I get from you.

Was your second wife like this? Did you ever treat her the same way you are treating me now?  No. You do not want any comparison, I know.  But it always makes me wonder -- you do love her so much, that you told me many times that life with her was blissful.  So I guess, you almost worshipped her and put her on a special pedestal. You should have followed her to her home country after she left you. You should then have gone to be with her forever. Because I know that I am nothing to you but just an option.

Woe to me because that makes me always at the bottom end of the line.  You probably always wanted me to be at par with her in terms of you not getting upset or mad when she was still with you. Yes, I know, I always make you upset. With me, you are mostly mad, upset, agitated, and just plain in a bad mood.

Throw me away as you please, and I know you can always do that because I am just a plain and simple headache and burden to you.

I am sorry for myself.

Alone

I wait for him to finish with work, spend time with his friends, do whatever he wants to do, and then at the end of the day, he will shut me out by telling me we should go to sleep.

I dread to have this day pass by my life again. I don't know what is in store for me... Why am I such a weakling in my relationship with him?

I have to keep quiet or everything will be messed up with him blowing hot, and as for me, I will retreat, cry and cower in one corner just like I always do.

I feel so alone. He is always busy, and I know that work will always come first before anything or anyone else.  Or maybe it's just me, and he has never found anybody yet worth his undivided time.

Oh, but I am wrong.  His second wife means the world to him.  She is the only person in his life who did not make him angry, or upset.  To him, she is perfect, unflawed, and nothing negative to describe.

I am sad and in despair. I know how unimportant I am to him, and I know all too well that if I share my feelings with him, it will end up ugly once more.

So where should I go? Where should I stay?  I don't feel secure. I don't feel treasured. I stand along the sidelines, and I have to endure the pain every day.  

Alone.

Beware the Man who says, "I Don't Want Drama"

 😢 😢 😢

ARTICLE #1: 

https://bryanreeves.com/dont-want-drama-beware-man-says/ 

"I Don’t Want Drama" (Beware Of The Man Who Says This)

December 29, 2017

Have you encountered the man (or been that man) who emphatically claims, “I don’t want drama!”?

Swipe right … or left … I don’t know … whichever way you swipe to pass on someone you don’t want to date, because pass on this man you must.

“I don’t want drama” is what the perpetually confused and frustrated man puts on his dating profile – or repeats in conversation and often with a fair amount of drama in his voice – who is nonetheless irresistibly drawn to women with whom he will co-create “drama” until he is one day finally willing to learn how to EMBRACE the fullness of a woman, or the fullness of life itself!

Because when a man says “I don’t want drama,” he is essentially saying, “I am terrified of feeling out of control, and I cannot be with anyone who feels feelings or acts in ways that are beyond my current capacity to feel or simply outside my tiny stress-free comfort zone.”

Which means he will inevitably reject any woman who feels more than he does or who acts in ways that aren’t easy for him to be with, which is pretty much every woman, and certainly the women he will be drawn to.

That’s the nature of life itself!

For every man, in his deepest heart, ACHES to be held accountable to showing up fully in his life, and fully for love. So actually, a man requires an intimate partner who challenges and inspires him to grow everyday more into his masterful self.

And yes, every man yearns for an intimate partner who loves him profoundly despite his imperfections, one who can consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.

But no man genuinely wants an intimate partner who will just let him get away with living and loving small, with playing safe where nothing is at stake.

Which is why a man will often stop choosing a woman who stops challenging him by not being true to herself.

In other words, no man truly wants to live anything less than his full potential as a deep-souled human being who is every day committed to giving his greatest gifts to the planet, to his community, to his family, and to his intimate partner.

Whether or not he is conscious of it, a man needs a partner who will challenge him, because challenge is the only thing that inspires a strong, masculine-identified man to rise into becoming his best self every day.

I’m not saying every man responds so well to a challenging partner. Of course not! Many men clearly don’t.

Many men choose a perfectly challenging partner and then soon lament their choice. He’ll even blame her for making his life more difficult, all the while ignorant of or just in outright denial of the fact that he is choosing this experience!

But only because no one teaches us men why we would actually choose – can ONLY choose – a woman who challenges us.

And I want to clarify, there are countless unskillful ways that women challenge adult men that will only cause even the most self-aware of us men to drive that “no drama” stake deeper into the ground!

So I encourage anyone who wishes to partner with a strong man to learn skillful ways of offering him the more wild and unruly passions of your authentic heart … in other words, you can learn how to challenge him with love, with respect, rather than merely mirror his “no-drama” neediness with your “emotional-connection-at-any-cost” neediness.

Always remember this:

Until a man can just embrace that a partner who lovingly challenges him is what he REQUIRES to help him live into his mastery as a truly powerful, authentic, heart-centered man, he will continue his futile quest for that mythical woman who is BOTH mysterious and alluring enough that he wants to have sex with her AND who will somehow give him “no drama.”

ARTICLE #2: 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/20/opinion/sunday/tinder-bumble-okcupid-drama.html

Opinion

The Ridiculous Fantasy of a ‘No Drama’ Relationship

Online, that’s what men say they want from women. Do they know nothing about life?

By Laura Hilgers
Ms. Hilgers writes about addiction, love and other topics.

July 20, 2019

Credit: Hannah K. Lee

I was recently on the dating app Bumble when I came across the profile of an attractive middle-aged man, a few years younger than I am. He was born on the East Coast and had a big dog, which I liked. But then I read that he was “100 percent drama-free” and demanded that any dates be the same way. I thought, “Here’s somebody who probably won’t listen if I’m having a bad day” and swiped left to indicate my lack of interest.

This guy was far from unusual. A surprisingly large number of men say they’re looking for “no drama” or something “drama-free” in their profiles, and I swipe left every time. Women write it too. But according to Tinder, which looked at the profiles of its American users earlier this year, heterosexual men were three times more likely to use these phrases than heterosexual women. Profiles of gay and lesbian users included the phrases much less often.

Another dating app, OkCupid, examined the 2018 profiles of all its users in the United States without separating for sexual orientation and found that men over all were 10 percent more likely to say this than women. They also found that 47 percent of millennial men said they were looking for no drama or something drama-free in their profiles, as did 25 percent of Gen X and 12 percent of baby boomer men.

I understand that people want joy, laughter and happiness in their relationships. I want that too. But when heterosexual men say they’re looking for something “drama-free,” I suspect they want something that doesn’t exist: a problem-free partnership with someone who has no life experience. Are they looking for a woman who never gets angry or afraid or sad, who never worries about her family or struggles in her job? Who would want to be with such a person?

One man I came across online even wrote, “No drama given or allowed.” Aside from questionable grammar, this implies an ability to control life that none of us possess. Life is full of drama. I know. I’ve experienced it. Although I’m an even-keeled person and daily meditator, I’ve still had to face challenges over the last eight years that I never saw coming and required all my strength to endure.

After 23 years of marriage, I went through an unexpected and painful divorce. Several people I love deeply suffered from addiction and found their way to recovery (a sentence that doesn’t begin to capture nearly four years of hell). I had to sell our family home and move to a rental. Then I lost my beloved dog, Spike — which, weirdly, felt the worst, coming on top of everything else.

Life got messy. But I know many people, including men, who have suffered far worse. It’s hard to live for any time without facing something difficult, whether it’s financial problems, illness, divorce or death. Some people call this “drama.” I call it life.

Because I didn’t quite understand what men meant when they said they were looking for “no drama,” I spoke with Jessica Carbino, a sociologist in Los Angeles who specializes in online dating and who used to work for Bumble. She told me that when men in their 20s and 30s say they want something drama-free, they’re looking for women who are “lower maintenance.”

When middle-aged men use it, they’re trying to avoid the entanglements that come with former spouses and family. “They could have just gone through a terrible divorce,” Dr. Carbino told me. “They could have presumably been dealing with a lot of issues with their own families, with their children, with their ex-spouses, and they want something that doesn’t present any type of problem or issue.”

Vanessa Valenti, co-founder of the feminist website Feministing, had a different take. “I think it’s pretty sexist,” she told me. “You might as well say ‘no humans,’ you know? But sexist behavior exists offline, just like it does on dating apps. This is simply another medium.” She added, “I think there are unrealistic expectations put on women to be accommodating at all times in their relationships.”

Ms. Valenti said that when men say they want no drama, “they’re signaling to others that they’re someone who’s incapable of witnessing and honoring another person’s feelings.” She also expressed concern that the numbers are higher, at least on OkCupid, the younger the men get.

“It makes me wonder if it’s become more like online dating app lingo, which actually makes the ‘no drama’ potentially more dangerous because the more it’s used, the more it’s normalized as a common characteristic of a desirable partner and what a desirable partner should be,” she said. “Are we setting a precedent of the emotionless partner who has no needs? In my opinion, that would create a culture of pretty disastrous relationships.”

Wouldn’t it make more sense for men and women in the dating world to look inward and develop compassion for themselves, rather than try to control the drama outside them? “When you’ve suffered in these serious ways,” Dr. Mark Epstein, a New York City psychiatrist and Buddhist author, told me, “it lets you see the suffering everywhere, if you’re not pretending that it’s not happening to you.”

He said that the growth that results from looking honestly at your challenges and problems — in other words, from being vulnerable — also makes people better partners. “You might actually be more available, more open, more able to be with someone else as a result of this,” Dr. Epstein said.

I also wonder if people mean it when they say they’re looking for “no drama.” Imagine “Romeo and Juliet” without the feuding future in-laws and “Brokeback Mountain” without society’s resistance to two men in love. Or “Casablanca” without the return of Ilsa’s husband, not to mention the Nazis who frequented Rick’s bar. Sometimes, love grows sweeter in contrast to the hardships.

Perhaps we’re simply all on drama overload, and online profiles reflect what we’re experiencing in the world. We live on a planet whose climate is warming rapidly. We wait in fear of the next mass shooting. We have a president whose tweets elevate our heart rates daily. In a 2018 American Psychological Association survey, 69 percent of respondents reported that the future of the nation caused them stress — six percentage points higher than the year before.

This precariousness seems like all the more reason to find a partner who can face the challenges and roll with them. There are days when you accidentally sideswipe your neighbor’s car or you have to check someone you love into rehab. Other days are steeped in joy. The kind of partner I’d like shows up for it all.

Maybe

Maybe it's time for me to go...  

Because I have never ever grovelled down on anyone's feet like I just did earlier ago.  I begged you to be kind to me, but you never even felt the gravity and severity of my begging.  

You remained cold, hard, and distant, even wanting to shut me out, drop the call, and just leave me as is.

Why did I ever feel this much love for you, when all you do is feel the same way -- ONLY when times are good and easy between us?

When I come honest with something to say, or something that I feel, you will get mad and accuse me of reaching that point because I did not stop.

But often I would explain and want to explain to you the reason behind my feeling or thinking so.

But it all comes to you in a different light.  Your interpretation of whatever I say is not the way it should be.

I cried and never have I cried this hard to and for anyone else except you. Always, I do.

I begged you to be kind, and not treat me the way you do.

But all fell on deaf ears.  Still, I continue to allow myself to receive this harsh treatment from you. 

I wish I could say "No," to you, and to be able to turn my back on you the way you easily could on me...

I wish I could bravely walk away and leave you just like your ex-wives did.

But I have admitted loving you more than I love myself.  

And that is true.

I said I do not love you in half, and always love you whole, even when you are mad, angry, agitated, or yelling at me and shutting me out.

And I mentioned that my love for you is bigger than the love your first and second wives have for you combined.

That was the last you heard from me, and you still did not say anything in return.

I think I have allowed myself to be treated by you like filthy trash. 

So I guess that last admission will be all for now.  I have made myself the lowest creature ever on earth for you.

**********

I read your latest post, and it was posted some 3 hours ago from my 8 pm here.  

It was posted BEFORE that honest and candid remark from me commenting about this woman rider you have, whom you have kind of "defended" as someone who did not do me wrong. It has nothing to do about her as a person doing something bad or wrong to me...

It was just said as it was, and just as me, being honest, as I always do or say, and that I should be allowed to say anything and everything to you because you are my significant other. 

You got so mad again and upset, and didn't want me to go on.  

But if you will note, I did not go on about her, and merely explained why I should be able to talk to you about anything and everything under the sun.

Still, your mind just went all the way to the darkest alleys of yourself again and refused to listen, understand, and be calm about it.

You wanted to drop the call, and you said you regret "bringing" me to your work. I cried and said please do not shut me out after two years of doing that, and just be kind to me instead.  

I begged you.

Your latest post talked about me always being echoed in your heart.

Really, is that for real?  Is that being true? Is that being honest?

Because I DO NOT THINK SO.

You write beautifully when you are good with me.  

Sadly, when things go wrong, all that you have pronounced are thrown away.

And all the words vanish like ribbons of smoke in the wind.

Please DO NOT tell me that you love me and that you will always love me.  

Because you will NEVER be like that all the time. 

Maybe you will -- but in good times only.

Wrong Love

 

Love, as I was told, is found only...

In poetry as dreamy as the night,

In roses and candies,

In Valentine fantasies,

With eyes aglow like light...

It is found only in dances as long as forever,

In thoughts of lace and cream.

Romantic movies, verses and prose,

In smiles as sweet as dreams...

It simply cannot be, this love,

I am caught in, trapped in, wrapped in like a shell...

But was I not clever?

Wasn't I strong?

I found love right here with you,

And proved them all wrong...

Restless Night

There was nothing to do that night,

So I decided to sit and write,

About some story untold,

And what lessons it could unfold.

But somehow my pen stood still,

I could not think of anything until,

I nearly went out of my mind,

No words that were suited could I find.

What happened to me me that evening?

I couldn't even make a beginning,

I sat there for hours thinking about things I could write,

But even though I had an idea, it couldn't just come out right.

Suddenly a notion struck my mind,

Now I could see better, now my brain began to unwind,

I wrote briskly, thinking what a nice poem it'd be,

For anyone to read and see.

Now this writer has something to write about,

Now she can jump for joy and shout,

Do you know what it is all about?

It is not about the sunshine nor a pout.

But...

There was nothing to do that night,

So I decided to sit and write.

I Know my Place... Sadly

 

Yes, I know my place.

Sadly, that is...

Last night we were talking about if lovers can be best friends and vice versa.

You said yes to the former.

And likewise to the latter.

And I asked if that was what you tried to "pursue" of having with your first wife.  You said it is not pursuing that is, --- to which I corrected myself about because I just could not find the right word to call it, I said --- and then you replied that it was what you hoped for since you do not hold grudges or anger on people and that you just wish for peace (and all that is related to it, I said silently to myself).

You added that some celebrities end up being very good friends with their exes.  I said that that kind of arrangement does not sit well with me and that for me, if one cannot simply move on without an ex completely, then that relationship should not at all be completely severed, and those two people should just stay together as is.

You said that it is a matter of perspective.  Yes, I can agree with that, but my perspective is very much different from yours:  If you cannot let go completely and if you cannot move on AWAY from your two wives, then you should just cling back to them and do not bother on moving forward with me.

Our thoughts are different and so becoming best friends could be just a dream.

So I remembered one email I received from someone not too long ago, and decided to tell you about it --- that message clearly said, that if I was drowning in sea with your second wife, you will surely save her than save me.

You were quick in replying that, you do not know how to swim -- but I was also quick to talk while you did --- that you do not need to answer that question...  

And please DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION AT ALL.

Because from my perspective, you cannot even answer that question hands down. 

I know and can see that your second wife still holds (and will always hold) a special place in your heart and that she will always occupy and share that space with me, no matter how cramped I feel it is inside.  

Your heart will never be exclusively mine.

I will never be in that heart space of yours fully alone.  There are many of us, and two very major special women -- your two ex-wives -- will always be there to fill it all up.

And that is why I KNOW MY PLACE.

And my place is WAY BENEATH your second wife.  

And beneath your first wife too, of course.

And last night I continued to say that I know you will save her instead of me because I know how much you care about her, and how important she is to you.

You continued to talk, but I was completely drowning in my own sea of tears.

I do not any more wish for you to know how I truly feel, and I could not hear what else you were saying.

I could not quite understand your additional explanation, but to me, it still hurt me deep inside. 

My heart is simply torn again, and it has not even fully recovered from the past wounds I received from you and the circumstances surrounding our love story.

-

-

-

-

I KNOW MY PLACE.

SADLY, that is...

Brightening the World

The sun is vivid, there so high

up where the birds fly

free as the breeze, the sky

I can see as I lie

here on the grass so green

the blades with dew not seen

just like any love has been,

you can only feel what they mean

for a person it is granted to

by the one who feels that love is due

for sharing with a friend or two

to make the whole world vivid, too.

Sad Refrain

I look out and I see the rain,

As it falls on my window pane,

And the music that's in my heart,

Is a sad refrain...

Endless traffic of sounds and sights,

Midst the glitter of neon lights,

Still the music that's in my heart,

Is the same sad refrain...

Take a jet to a hide-away,

From the hum-drum of everyday,

Yet the music that's in my heart,

Is the same, sad refrain...

Mem'ries of you follow everywhere I go,

Down the high and bi-ways of my days,

Music of your laughter fills my every dream,

Like a love song from long ago...

Never ending streams of faces come and go,

Million diff'rent people all around,

No use searching for I'll never find you there,

For you are far beyond compare...