Thinking About My Life

Me: I have been able to think about a lot of things about my life when you were gone.

You: What sort of things about your life you are able to think about?

Me again: Writing and blogging have made me re-align my priorities, and think about the things I have missed for myself. I have been relying heavily on things, or people. The pandemic has made me a prisoner literally and figuratively. I realized that I am left to take care of myself on my own and that people, things, events, etc... can make or break me. And that no one else can really care faithfully and truthfully. Not even my kids perhaps, due to them slowly creating and building their own lives for the future. I also realized that somehow, or in a big, significant way, I have relied on you for too much comfort and strength, and solace, but due to being human, expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration. I realized that I also cannot be someone else's world, no matter how strong or deeply connected we can all be. I should be able to learn how to distance myself emotionally from people and or places, and or things. I do not expect you to understand what I have written here. You don't have to, really. This is just all brain cells working.

You again: **no reaction**

So Am I In Love WIth You?

...To be honest, yes, because I was vulnerable.

I never imagined this was possible, 

but I fell in love in the first month.

I know this is all we'll ever have.

I get that.

Perhaps I'm not the girl you'd want 

to spend the rest of your life with.

If I go with you again,

it'll only be if we'll be together forever.

Because

 I'm just a girl...

I'm just that weird, stupid girl

in front of you,

asking you to love her.

Yeah, just let me go.

I mean, just go.

I Should Quit

 Yes, I think I should. 

What Makes One Human

 

My Mistake

 You encouraged me to speak up and tell you what was on my mind.

And I did.

My mistake.

Again you said hurtful words after I bared my soul, or after I asked for some clarifications from you again.

Hurtful enough to damage my already hurt and bruised feelings.

You said our relationship is toxic. 

Very toxic, you repeated that several times.

And I said I disagree as we do not really fight, much less fight violently.

You said because I let other people in, but I said whoever those other people are, do not ruin anything because I do not and never believed them.

But I know that you lied.  You showed me her emails all unread, but she has shown me proof that every single email was opened and read.  It is obvious that you only marked them as unread. What a deceitful person you are.

You also told me that you actually don't need a woman in your life and you are prepared to live and grow old alone.  So what then did you still call me when you work up today?

Once again, you have thrown so many hurtful and painful words at me, and I know that you will never be able to take them all back. They have just made my emotional wounds deeper, and each wound is much more painful than the last.

I  remember you also told me that your preferences change over time, and you can be with a 20-year old woman given that you two get along well in the relationship. Wow, that thought just also stung my ears, knowing you could never have fixed preferences, so anyone who lives and breathes, and wears a skirt can be a good and potential candidate for you.  I wish I could say the same, and just hook up with any other male on this planet.

When I said sorry that you think that ours is a toxic relationship, you replied that my sorry is not sincere.  Who are you to say that?  Who are you to say that my intentions and words are not sincere when every word that came and comes out of my mouth is nothing but true?

You are a product of your past relationships and for that, I feel very sorry for myself.  I live and put up from what you have experienced from each and every one of your past partners.  And no one is present to help me go through this except myself alone. I have to lick my own wounds every single moment, accept what you hurl at me every time you are agitated, and grow out of a very painful heartache. 

You may not be aware of this -- that for each time you are upset, you say painful words that cut deep into my soul.  And I guess you are never sorry that you hurt and cut me deep each time that you do.  This is something that adds up to my pain and anguish.

Do you know that every time I tell you that I love you more, I mean it? I mean it truthfully and honestly. And if you will only listen and feel my every word, you will know that it is an actual, literal, and truthful "MORE."

I love you MORE. I love you MORE than you love me.  This is true. I swallow my pride, I swallow every hurt and pain, I swallow every insult that I get from you.

Was your second wife like this? Did you ever treat her the same way you are treating me now?  No. You do not want any comparison, I know.  But it always makes me wonder -- you do love her so much, that you told me many times that life with her was blissful.  So I guess, you almost worshipped her and put her on a special pedestal. You should have followed her to her home country after she left you. You should then have gone to be with her forever. Because I know that I am nothing to you but just an option.

Woe to me because that makes me always at the bottom end of the line.  You probably always wanted me to be at par with her in terms of you not getting upset or mad when she was still with you. Yes, I know, I always make you upset. With me, you are mostly mad, upset, agitated, and just plain in a bad mood.

Throw me away as you please, and I know you can always do that because I am just a plain and simple headache and burden to you.

I am sorry for myself.

Alone

I wait for him to finish with work, spend time with his friends, do whatever he wants to do, and then at the end of the day, he will shut me out by telling me we should go to sleep.

I dread to have this day pass by my life again. I don't know what is in store for me... Why am I such a weakling in my relationship with him?

I have to keep quiet or everything will be messed up with him blowing hot, and as for me, I will retreat, cry and cower in one corner just like I always do.

I feel so alone. He is always busy, and I know that work will always come first before anything or anyone else.  Or maybe it's just me, and he has never found anybody yet worth his undivided time.

Oh, but I am wrong.  His second wife means the world to him.  She is the only person in his life who did not make him angry, or upset.  To him, she is perfect, unflawed, and nothing negative to describe.

I am sad and in despair. I know how unimportant I am to him, and I know all too well that if I share my feelings with him, it will end up ugly once more.

So where should I go? Where should I stay?  I don't feel secure. I don't feel treasured. I stand along the sidelines, and I have to endure the pain every day.  

Alone.