Nothing can ever justify why a man cheats.
From where I am, I can't understand why he needs to be mad every time I ask about other women. Is it guilt? He always has to raise his voice at me or get upset at me for asking questions about certain things in the relationship. And I have never ever cried so many times in my entire life for anyone but him... I know that I am not as important to him as his wives. Never was it in my intention to inflict pain in him. Never will.
But I have a lot of maybes. That will probably never be answered. I fear him. I cannot ask. I cannot clarify. I cannot discuss anything about his past with him. I am walking on eggshells.
Maybe because I am just a girlfriend. I know my place like I have told him several times. And I also know that I am an easy-to-dispose-of person in his life. I guess he just doesn't understand a lot of things about me too. Our ways are different. All I know is that I do not occupy that place in his life or heart that much. Anything between us that would pose a problem, tiny or big, will have him throw me out of his life just like that.
Maybe I am the worst ever partner, girlfriend, and woman in his life. And it is shaky. I do not hold anything that will keep me in place. I am at a total loss. I do not think he ever treated his two wives this way. I don't think he threw them out, or always tried to remove them from his life as he does to me.
I don't think he actually cheats, but if he could, maybe he would. I feel like I am cheated on when he is in his beast mode and wants to throw me out. I feel like I am being cheated on because of his lack of show of loyalty to our relationship. I feel it is very shaky despite knowing him from a distance for almost two years.
Maybe I am stupid like I am being told I am because whatever he tells me, I instantly take and believe. I feel like I am such an easy target. Why can't I be like his 2nd wife who seems to be so very perfect enough for him? I am such a loser in this. I don't think I will ever feel like I wear the crown. Sure, we are still together, but every time, I feel like I am being pushed to the edge and my being in this kind of relationship does not make me secure. Maybe being just a girlfriend totally does not put me in a good place in his life and heart very well. I have to love this much in my life. I am new to this, but my heart is badly broken.
My heart has been broken when the first man who took me to be his wife did not love me the way he is supposed to be. I waited for many years and took care of his children. I bore and raised them with my own hands. In my home country, nannies are a must in every financially capable household with kids. But since I myself was raised by a nanny, I didn't want one for my own. But life looked down on me and the fates looked away from my face. I was in an unhappy marriage. I tried as hard as I could to improve in this area but failed miserably. Why am I even writing about this here, when my life is now with this new man?
Oh yes, now I remember -- because the broken heart that I had last time, has been glued back together, yes, but is now more broken. Again. This time into much smaller pieces. I realized that when you truly fall for a person, the pain to bear in love is much more terrible. But that very same pain will make you endure until you feel numb from it. It will make you want to hold on to that person and make you nonetheless -- stupid, perhaps. But the man in my life right now is not like so. He pushes me away and makes me feel like I am the most worthless, useless person in his life. Proven by him easily throwing me out of his life when we have a misunderstanding or problem somewhere in between.
So now I am always hanging by his very fragile noose. More like I am hanging on by a thread. Anytime, I may be cut off again. And for every fall, my heart is repeatedly broken into smaller and tinier pieces. And that makes it a million times more difficult to put back together again. Constantly I have to lick my own wounds. And nurse my very bruised heart back to its surviving state. So can one blame me for wishing that I was in the place of his 1st or 2nd wife? I especially want to be in the place of his 2nd, who has received so much love from this man. I believe she had him at his best -- when his very own experiences from his past have molded him to be his very own version of an improved self. For her to savor and take wholly. I wish I was there to experience that. I wish I was in her place.
If I met a man who will truly and fully want and need me like that, then that very same man will receive what he has sowed. And had I been the recipient of that kind of devotion, I would cherish and take care of it properly, with my most loving, tender, and caring heart.
I have so many readers in this blog, yet we do not know each other. I shall remain the faceless, nameless woman behind this space. Thank you for all your comments. And for sharing your own plights with me. I can only wish us well.
Until my next entry...
